I hate my body

So my period was due monday, its not here yet and its friday. I have had so many symptoms of being pregnant, but I just tested and it was negative. I really thought I was pregnant, and I'm so annoyed with myself for getting excited. Why did my stupid body do this? It made me lose a baby and now I can't get pregnant, so many women around me are announcing their second pregnancies and everytime I see one I feel sick, I try to be happy and say congratulations but I'm only doing it in the hope God will see that I'm trying to be happy for other people.
I'm sick of people saying "Oh I'll start trying this month and we can have a baby next summer" Yes because thats how bloody easy it is!!!! I feel like this is never going to happen, why is it so easy for other people? Why do I only have 1 tube? Why did the stupid hospital leave me so long so that my tube ruptured? The consultant told me I'll have no problems getting pregnant...but thats not the case.

How am I ever supposed to get pregnant with no period and dodgy cycles?

My body is so cruel!

So my period was due yesterday, I had so signs, I've had none today either. So I decided to do a test...this was after saying I wouldn't test until thursday. It was negative, but still no period and it was an afternoon wee that wasn't very strong. So now I am battling between convincing myself I am not pregnant and my period will start soon, and thinking maybe it wasn't strong enough to get a positive.

I don't know but I do know that this is driving me mental, if its going to come just come now! Its day 32 and I have taken 6 pregnancy tests...I told you I was addicted to it.

In other news, we bought Alice a potty last night. She keeps stripping her trousers and nappy off in the afternoon so I thought it might be a good idea to get one so she can get used to seeing it and hopefully it will make potty training easier! Last night she screamed when she saw it, today is a lot better and will sit there on it.

Me

Hello!

So I thought it may be time to get a blog as all the ramblings in my head are getting too much!

If you don't know me, I'm Jennifer. I live in Manchester, UK with my husband and our beautiful daughter Alice who is almost 19 months old (where has the time gone!?). I am a stay at home mum with a dangerous addiction to make up, forums and peeing on sticks - more about that later!

This blog is mainly for me to write my feelings down as we are trying for a second baby now after a difficult time earlier this year. To fill you in...

We started trying for our second baby in January 2009. We knew that we wanted 2 children and we wanted them close together but we didn't want to start until Alice had turned 1.

Me and Colin have been together for almost 7 years, we met in 2002 when I was 16 and he was 21 (although my parents thought he was 19), we moved in together in 2005 and we got married in Florida in September 2008.

Alice was conceived after a very drunken conversation back in april 2007 in a kebab shop...she wasn't actually conceived there before you start thinking badly of me! On May 11th my period was 5 days late (5 days!! How I now long for that patience) so I reluctantly tested expecting it to be negative. Imagine my surprise when a dark blue line popped up on the test before I'd even flushed the chain. We were both over the moon and told everybody straight away, we had our first scan at 8 weeks when she was a 16mm flashing blob with a due date of 8th January 2008. My pregnancy was easy, we had weekly growth scans from 29 weeks as they suspected she wasn't growing properly and I had low amniotic fluid. Apart from that I loved being pregnant, I didn't have a huge bump, my tummy was covered in stretch marks but I just felt so special to be growing our little girl. On 27th December I went for a scan and was told I would have to come in the next day to be induced. After 2 days in hospital, a 10 hour active labour, over an hour pushing and an episiotomy Alice was here on 30th December 2007 at 00.45am. It really was the best day of my life, I think I speak for Col when I say it was his too. She weighed a very healthy 6lb15oz and was just over a week early, she was perfect she had huge blue eyes and lots of blonde hair. Every mother says it, but she really is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She brings so much joy to our lives and we'd have 10 of her! She has her moments like every toddler does but one look at her cheeky face makes me forget all about the naughty moments. So about 3 weeks after Alice was born, once I could sit down without being in pain, once I had gotten used to sleep deprivation I knew I wanted another one. However, when I was in hospital I had sworn I wasn't having anymore, when the midwife left me in my room she said "See you in a few years!" Hmm...I don't think so missus! My labour wasn't particularly hard - thanks Mr Anaesthetist for that lovely epidural, I just found the pushing hard work.

So the day before Alice's first birthday we are reminiscing about her birth, and her first few days and we both decide now is the time to start trying again. I had a textbook 28 day cycle and you could set your watch by my period so I knew we just had to go for it around day 14. It got to day 27 and I gave in and tested on one of those digital tests that tell you how far gone you are (that you may need a mortgage to buy) and it came up "Not Pregnant" I wasn't too disapointed, I went downstairs cracked open the wine and ordered a load of OPK's (ovulation tests) and some Pre-Seed (don't ask!), my period started the next day. Eight days later I decided to have a go of one of the OPK's, knowing it was still too early for ovulation, it came up with a positive line! So I warn Col its "Baby Making Time". The next day I started with bad pains on my right and light spotting, I just put it down to ovulation, this was a sunday. By the Tuesday it was like a light period, something made me do a pregnancy test. When it came up positive I felt sick, I knew something had to wrong because I'd had what I thought to be a period and now I had this bleeding and pain. So we went upto A&E, we were there for hours eventually after every man and his dog had a look at me I was booked in for a scan on the friday. By my dates I should've been almost 6 weeks for the scan. We got in the scan room, I knew the drill I'd had 12 scans with Alice. She spent a lot of time looking, so I knew something was wrong. She said she couldn't see anything it was probably too early. So we go to se the nurse, who tries to make out I'm stupid and that I must only just be pregnant..how many women get a positive pregnancy test 3 days after they had sex? I had to phone up the next say for my hormone level results. They had doubled in 48 hours which was apparently great news and I was only 2 weeks. I always knew that was wrong but who am I to argue with a professional?

The bleeding and pain lasted for nearly 3 weeks. I phoned the Early Pregnancy Unit on 20th Feb and told her I was still bleeding and was told to keep going until my scan on 6th March. The next night I collapsed at home in a lot of pain, I couldn't even walk from my bathroom to the bedroom I just had to lie down on the floor. I finally managed to get to the bedroom, where I couldn't get comfortable whether I lay down, sat stood. The only thing that helped a bit was kneeling. We thought it could be appendicitus so we called my mum down to stay with Alice and we went off to the hospital. This was a saturday at about 7pm and the place was empty. I was left for a long time i nthe waiting room screaming in pain waiting to be seen, by the time I was seen the pain had subsided and all I was left with was shooting pains in my right thigh. I ended up discharging myself from the hospital as they were truly useless and I had been left waiting an hour for some blood tests whilst Dr's and Nurses stood round talking about their holidays. I didn't sleep all night as I still had the thigh pain. The next morning it had gone. Even so I said I would phone the EPU the next day, so I phoned and told the nurse (the same one from my scan) about the saturday night and she said "What do you want me to do about it?" so I explained there must be a reason why I had been in so much pain and I wanted a scan. Reluctantly she told me to go in for a scan o nthe thursday morning. By Thursday morning I knew all was not okay with our baby, I expected to go and be told I'd miscarried. We got to the hospital, the same nurse took me in a side room and asked why I couldn't have just waited for my 6 week scan, again I explained I wanted to know what was wrong with my body. I wasn't there because I was some paranoid pregnant woman, something was wrong and it needed sorting out. So I go in the scan room, the lady doing my scan is the lady who did my 8 week scan with Alice. She couldn't see anything externally so I had to have an internal scan, when she asked me if it hurt when she pressed it against my right side I knew something was wrong. She said she didn't know if it was an ectopic or bowel. Everything happened very quickly from there, I left the room in a haze of tears and took into another room where a dr explained to me I would be going for emergency surgery and my situation was serious. I was taken down to theatre at 3pm, with a horrible feeling that I would wake up and not have my baby anymore. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain and was told they had to take my tube, they have tried to do keyhole surgery but my stomach was so full of blood from internal bleeding they couldn't get to it so I had to have a mini section basically. The recovery was really tough, I could barely walk or sit, the only way I was comfortable was lay down and propped up by lots of pillows. A few weeks after my surgery, my lovely consultant invited me to the hospital for a chat about what had happened. She told me my tube had ruptured, I was 9 weeks pregnant (maybe I should start arguing with the professionals or do their job for them!) and if I hadn't gone in that day I would've died. Being told you were so close to death is so scary, even more so because I would've left Alice at 14 months old with no mummy. It made me incredibly sad and is still something I struggle with now. After coming up from my surgery I had told, a very worried, Col that I didn't want more babies I couldn't put myself through what I had just been through again. I couldn't put him through it. As time moved on we said we would wait a few years. In may we decided to just go for it and try again.

Well we're at the end of our 3rd month of trying for baby 2 since my surgery and I have no idea if I am pregnant or not. Hopefully I should know my monday. Each month that goes by, gets harder because I fell so quickly when I had both tubes I know that the reason its not happening is because I now only have 1 tube.

I know we are so lucky to have 1 healthy child and we thank god for her every day, if it wasn't for her I think I would've been suicidal after my ectopic. She really helped me, because you can't help but smile when she is around. I just know my family is not complete without another child, and getting pregnant is the only thing that is going to help me recover from my ectopic pregnancy. We'll never forget the baby we lost, I just feel so sad that it happened to us.

So this blog, is all about our journey to hopefully another baby. With a few random things thrown in. I love make up and am massively obsessed with it so no doubt there will be a few posts about that too.

Oh and that picture at the top, in case you hadn't guessed, is me with my beautiful girl and wonderful husband. I promise I'm not always so fluffy and sickly I just feel a bit emotional today.