I'm scared..

My Lap & dye is in 11 days. Col won't be with me, nobody will as no visitors are allowed on the ward until 3pm.

I know its a standard procedure, I've just never been alone before an operation before. They tried sending Col home on the ward just before my surgery for the ectopic until a nurse from EPU interfered and told me to get my mum down aswell. But I know this isn't the same. Even then going into the theatres without someone was strange and I was so upset. I had a lot of operations as a child and my mum had been with me up until me going to sleep so I just assumed Col would come with me that day and that he'd be there when I woke up like my mum used to be. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need somebody to hold my hand. Its unlikely I'll see Col until about 5.30 when he comes to pick me up.

I know its silly but what if him dropping me off is the last time I ever saw him? I know I'm not having anything serious done, I just worry about stupid things. When I got admitted for the ectopic surgery, I was so upset as I hadn't give Alice a kiss before I dropped her off with my parents before my scan and I was so scared I'd never see her again.

I hate all of this, if they tell me everything is fine I'm having no more tests I can't put myself through it anymore. It drains everything from me, its upsets me and Alice gets dumped on someone whilst I go. I'm there at least once a month, I'd hate for Alice to remember this when she gets older.

I've also decided to go to the Dr's. I'm not coping well, I know I'm not and I haven't been for a long time. I cry far too much over what happened, it should be behind me now. But because of what is now going on, its just at the forefront of my mind a lot. Just writing about my operation brought on the tears and brought it all back.

Waiting..

I've only got a few days left of waiting now, I'm still undecided although I am erring to the side of negativity and thinking its unlikely I am pregnant this month. I had a few good signs, my skin has been horrendous, during my first trimester with Alice I had really bad skin from very early on, and it was very oily. But I have the usual one sore boob which I get every month, although the other one is slightly tender. I'm very moody, this could just be PMS. It really is impossible to tell which is why I don't like to spend two weeks guessing, I leave it all to the last week.

If I'm not pregnant this month I'm having a month without alcohol. I think I drink too much of it..not in an alcoholic way but I can't imagine its helping. Although I did do it back in January, it didn't help but I wasn't on Metformin then. U

My diet starts again today, I can tell I've put weight on and obviously I don't want to put it on. I'm going to do some reading into the GI diet today. Obviously not drinking will help with the weight loss, I'm sure Col will be happy to stop drinking too. I just have to stick to it because by a friday tea time I'm that stressed with the week I've had I just want a glass of wine. Well I know one glass is fine but it never is.

Just a quick edit - this afternoon I've had some cramps at the sides and in my back so I think I'm definitely out this month.

Hopefully I'll get my appointment through soon for my Lap & Dye, the cons did say end of August or the beginning of September. I don't really know what to do, should I chase it up with her secretary if I haven't received anything soon? I also need to discuss the amount of Metformin I'm on. It makes me shakey even when I've eaten, I'm on 2x500mg tablets a day. I had my dad test my blood sugar levels last week and it was 5.4 which is pretty low. He has Type 2 Diabetes and is only on one Metformin a day, so if his levels are high and he's only one one, why am I on two when my levels are normal?

One week wait..

I'm one week away now from finding out if my first month on Metformin has had any affect. I'm not getting my hopes up at all but for next months reference here's how I feel..

Exhausted!
Drained
My skin is really oily and spotty, it hasn't been this bad for a long time.
I had some niggly pains on my right side 2 days ago (on 5 DPO)

And this is nothing to do with the 1WW but I have no motivation whatsoever! I can't be bothered to do anything. However I am trying to force myself to start doing exercise again and eatig a bit healthier to try and lose some more weight.