I'm scared..

My Lap & dye is in 11 days. Col won't be with me, nobody will as no visitors are allowed on the ward until 3pm.

I know its a standard procedure, I've just never been alone before an operation before. They tried sending Col home on the ward just before my surgery for the ectopic until a nurse from EPU interfered and told me to get my mum down aswell. But I know this isn't the same. Even then going into the theatres without someone was strange and I was so upset. I had a lot of operations as a child and my mum had been with me up until me going to sleep so I just assumed Col would come with me that day and that he'd be there when I woke up like my mum used to be. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need somebody to hold my hand. Its unlikely I'll see Col until about 5.30 when he comes to pick me up.

I know its silly but what if him dropping me off is the last time I ever saw him? I know I'm not having anything serious done, I just worry about stupid things. When I got admitted for the ectopic surgery, I was so upset as I hadn't give Alice a kiss before I dropped her off with my parents before my scan and I was so scared I'd never see her again.

I hate all of this, if they tell me everything is fine I'm having no more tests I can't put myself through it anymore. It drains everything from me, its upsets me and Alice gets dumped on someone whilst I go. I'm there at least once a month, I'd hate for Alice to remember this when she gets older.

I've also decided to go to the Dr's. I'm not coping well, I know I'm not and I haven't been for a long time. I cry far too much over what happened, it should be behind me now. But because of what is now going on, its just at the forefront of my mind a lot. Just writing about my operation brought on the tears and brought it all back.