Giving up..

I've decided to give up trying. I can't keep putting myself through this every month, we've just entered month 8 now. I know 8 months isn't a long time but its so hard and I can't do it anymore, even Col is starting to get down about it and I never thought that would happen. I just feel like every day, or every week someone else gets pregnant. I have to look at the tickers every day for their pregnancy or even someone else's and it just upsets me. Its turning me into a person who I don't want to be, I have seen women struggle to get pregnant and how they are towards other pregnant women and I don't want to be like that.

Alice is more than either of us every hoped for, and she is enough for me. I haven't told Col but I'm sure he will understand. Someone told me I was strong yesterday and I'm not I just put on a front because its so tiresome to always be down.

Down

So once again its been a while since I blogged. Its day 25 now, I think I ovulated around day 15 but I was poorly at the time. I was feeling so positive, we worked out if I was pregnant my 6 week scan would be just before christmas eve and how exciting it would be to tell our families over xmas. On saturday I just went downhill, I've felt so down and negative. I'm resentful to pregnant people, I hate people feeling sorry for me and hoping that it will happen, I know that sounds awful but this is how I'm changing I just feel stupid when people are saying Oh I hope it will happen soon. I don't want people to say that to me.

I'm taking a break from forums for my own sanity, I'm reading threads from pregnant people and feeling so negative towards them and I don't want to. I'm even feeling like that to Col, if he tries to cuddle me I don't want him to and I just want to be left alone. I don't know whats wrong with me but I need to stop feeling like this because I hate it.

Long time no blog!

Wow its been over a month since I posted on here.

Well I'm still not pregnant...well its day 31 today I either expect my period to show today or tommorow as my past 2 periods have been on the 7th of the month. We have had a break sort of, I mean we haven't been using OPK's or counting days (well I have but not for baby making purposes!)

I went to the Dr's a few weeks ago to talk about my irregular periods and how my periods only last a day. He agreed to do some blood tests and also said he would test if I was ovulating but it could be difficult with how irregular my cycles are as they like to do the tests on day 21, 7 days after ovulation "should" take place. So I had them last tuesday and got the results on monday. Everything was normal! That was a huge relief and has helped me to relax a lot. I started taking Evening Primrose Oil this month too and noticed EWCM on day 15 with period pains and a high soft cervix! I was very excited as it seemed I did ovulate now from my blood tests.

I have had 3 tarot readings done too. Now I know not everybody beleives in them, and it was online but they were cheap and I just had nothing to lose so I thought it would help to give me some hope. All of them predicted I would get pregnant in January 2010!! Now I tried to be a cynic with it all for but all 3 of them to say the same time has given me a lot of hope and January is so close now that I feel excited. If it doesn't happen then I am going to have to deal with the upset then but I will try not to be so upset. They all also told me how strong our relationship is, which I have to agree with. This is the strongest and closest we have ever been and I feel happy.

I'll try and keep up to date on here but we're having another "month off" next month so there won't be much to report x

Today..

Today would have been my due date from my ectopic. I thought we would do something to mark the day, but we didn't. I feel fine with that as I wanted to deal with it in my own way. Col made a start on decorating our front room and I went to my parents for the day and did a bit of shopping and spent lots of time cuddling and kissing Alice. We have both been at my parents tonight as it is my little brothers birthday and we had a little party. We have just got home now, and this is the first time I have thought about it properly (apart from receiving a card from my friend Sophie this morning) and I went onto the EPT website and lit a candle for our baby which can be found here http://www.ectopic.org.uk/candletributes/candle.php?id=767&referrer=index.php and it all hit me. I can't describe how sad I feel, I know there are a lot of people out there who have lost babies and will understand how I'm feeling now. I just never expected anything like this to happen to me, I really didn't. I thought I might be alone in feeling like this, but Col told me after reading Sophie's card today it hit him (on thursday he told me he wanted to do things his way and just move on) but Sophie's card said "your baby will be looking down on you" and it hit him....it was a baby really I don't think he has thought of it that way before.

So I remembered reading a poem a while back about losing a baby so I searched for it. I couldn't find it but I found this..

Your Little Angel
Forever will I love you You will always be my mom As I sit with angels I look down at you and point proudly See . . .See her . . .over there, That's her!

Did you know I could hear your thoughts at night When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your hand on your belly Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things . . . Who I would look more like . . . About how my laugh would sound . . .My First steps . . .Books that you would read to me . . ones with pictures . . . "I like Those!"


The park . . .how you would walk me in a stroller to play on the swings How about after I ate ice cream the dog excitedly licking my face almost knocking me down . . . You just smiled when you read that . . I could see you


Do you know I call you "mommy"? When you are in the kitchen I pretend I am there also and you can see me I sit at the table and draw with crayons I made a picture for the refrigerator Yellow, blue, red and green Look its of you and me with a sky and treesI gave you curly hair . . .


Easter . . .that's my favorite I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church One of my socks keeps falling down

Mommy . . .I like the way you kiss my sisters goodnighton the forehead and tuck them in I play with them in their dreams They don't know me but if you ask if they ever dreamed of playing with a little girl they would say yes . . . That's me . . .
Do you remember that bird each early spring that used to always return and sing It would have been right around the time of my birthday That was me to . . .
I would sing "I love you"

I am always along side you . . . Sometimes you can feel me A brush against your dress, a breeze on your face . . .that's when I kiss you
You have always kept me in your mind and heart Thank you . . . One day we will be together in heaven and you will cry and lift me in your arms and I will hugyou so very tight and never let go . . .

But for now I have to . . .

No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you Always know that I am "Your Little Angel" I love you mommy . . .
Bye . . .
________________________
"Your Little Angel" copyright (c) protected Russell Scott Steven Andersen 1997 all rights reserved.

Which I got from http://www.thelaboroflove.com/prose/poems/yourangel.html

It just hit home to me and really touched me. Its incredibly sad, but also soothing as I think of it as my baby's voice

I'm hoping, now we are past this date, that things will get easier for me to deal with it. I think since my surgery I have been waiting for this date to come and knowing how hard it would be. To be honest it has taken me nealy 24 hours to cry, I think I've done rather well.

Update

So now I am on day 24..I think?! Anyway, I think my period is due at the weekend, joy of joys around the same time as what would have been my due date from my ectopic pregnancy. I'm not doing symptom spotting because I just can't keep doing it to myself, and I will not be early testing as 1. I can't take seeing another negative test 2. I have no tests in the house anyway. I am still doing OPKs as I wasn't sure if what I had last week was my surge so I have carried on and today will be my last OPK and I've still not had anything as dark as last week.

I have come to the conclusion that my obsession with Make Up is my way of getting through this. It didn't really start until after my ectopic, and it seems to have become worse recently. I don't mind, I'm not getting into debt for it or anything but it would be nice not to "have to have" the latest products. Really, getting pregnant would help me in a lot of ways - it would make me happier, it would help me move on from my ectopic and it would save me a lot of money.

Anyway.

Could it be...

Could my body actually getting back to normal, nearly 7 months after my surgery? Its month 2 of taking Agnus Castus and this month it seems to be working as i have some of the side affects. Its day 15 now, I have OV pains and the lines on my sticks are nearly positive (no smilie face but it may come tommorow)

Negative

I'm feeling very negative today, I really feel like I will never be pregnant again. Its getting that bad that I want to ask a phsycic (sp) or something if they see anymore children for me but I know thats extreme.

I think its day 8 now and I'm still wondering if I actually want to put any effort into trying this month, normally I am feeling positive by now and ready to try again.

Down

I'm feeling a bit down today..

I think I need a day away from the forums. Have lots of ironing to do and need to paint my nails (yes again for you readers of my other blog)

Onto month 5

My period arrived in the night.

I'm not so disapointed, I am happy that it came when I expected which is good. Now I just need to get past 3rd october (what would have been my due date) and see how I cope. We have both said we will do something to mark the date, except its my little brothers 10th birthday that day and we will be doing something for our wedding anniversary that night. I think its going to be an emotional day all round.

More SS!

Today I developed an aversion to the multisurface wipes we use..

When I was pregnant with Alice, I couldn't stand the smell of a plug in smelly we had and could just always smell it even when it wasn't on. My eyes are so dry! I've not changed anything that I'm using or how long I'm wearing the lenses.

I'm very tired too.

Hurry up weekend

I'm so impatient!! The tears continued until yesterday, today I'm fine. I'm tired a lot though.

Roll on sunday.

Crying

I cried most of my way round Tesco yesterday. There was a reason but I just kept crying, I cried because Col was being fussy about what to have for tea's this week, I cried because he wouldn't pick a pizza, and I cried because I feel like a terrible mother because Alice is such a fussy eater that I can't even bring myself to tell people the things she's eating at the moment (its not macdonalds or chips or anything) because I know its not giving her all the nutrients she needs. Sunday night I cried 3 times, once at X Factor, then at the film we were watching and then a video I watched on You tube about texting whilst driving. Then on saturday night I couldn't stop the tears...I don't know if that was the wine though.

Symptoms again..

Today is day 28, I have some dragging kind of pain on my right side its a strange feeling. I'm still knackered, still have the spots, I have had some nausea in the mornings and I'm very tearful, my eyes just keep filling with tears at random things.

There's always something to worry about..

Now I am worrying that I am only just ovulating now. But I don't know how that can be when I got my positive OPK on sunday...its just the crampiness I am getting making me thing that.

Symptom spotting..

I think its best for me to write down how I'm feeling so that if it doesn't happen this month I can compare it with next month and so on.

So today is day 25 ... I have spots on my chin that are sore, I have some crampiness in my lower back on the left. My hair was washed last night and so far is still clean and lovely.

Lovely thought..

Today I got a little card in the post from one of my "faceless friends" (as Col would call them) Sophie. Sophie runs one of the forums I go on and is so lovely and supportive and thoughtful.

I've just realised in the first picture, there is another card from her in the background which came with some flowers that the forum sent me just after my ectopic. Thanks again Sophie, its so lovely of you to think of me xx

Sticks

Just for my own reference

Exhausted

I'm so tired, I'm glad this is all over with for another month and I am praying this month we have done it. Last night I took my folic acid and realised I have enough for the rest of my 2ww - I'm hoping its a sign as I bought those folic acid when we first started trying just before my ectopic. Have decided I am going to test next saturday (5th) It doesn't sound so far away that way and its only 1 day before I should x

Two Week Wait

So i'm officially on the horrible two week wait, I should be able to test on 7th September if AF hasn't showed by then. This first week will be fine...it's the last week where is starts getting hard so somebody best pop round towards the end of next week to take all the pregnancy tests off me!!

I work!!

I haven't posted for a few days as I started to get a bit down hearted after my lines on the OPK's started fading before I'd had a positive. But last night it got dark again and tonight ...

Yes that is a smilie face!! I never thought I'd see it, so obviously I ovulate later than I think. Today is day 21, its almost as exciting as a BFP!!

Today's OPK

Todays Yesterdays

The line was darker on the cheapy but it didn't show on the camera. Still no smilie face but definately a darker line? What do you think? Also, TMI but I am getting more CM so I think we're nearly there. I worked out last night month I must've ovulated on day 24...no wonder I didn't get pregnant I thought I was on my 2WW by then.

So far..

Day17 Still no positive OPK but the line is getting darker and the signs that its just around the corner are there.

I have also worked out I am best off doing them at 7.30pm so thats when I'm doing them now.

Reminiscing

I don't only think about getting pregnant (see my other blog http://all-that-glitters-and-sparkles.blogspot.com/ ) but today I have been thinking back to when I met Col. In november we will have been together for 7 years..which feels like a lifetime. I was 16 when we met and he was 21, I was out on a saturday night with my friends and I spotted a guy who had poured a drink over my friend a few weeks earlier so I collared him to give him an earfull and when we were talking his friend walked up the stairs and he introduced us and it was my husband! His friend left us chatting and dancing and stuff and we swapped numbers, I did what was my usual trick in them days of just giving him my phone to put my number in, usually (back then) I put my number in their phone but he didn't have his. I knew I wanted to see him again, else I wouldn't have bothered, so I dragged him down to the reception of the club and got a bit of paper and wrote my number down for him.

I reminded him a few weeks ago that, that night he had been going on about going to the gym and I acted all impressed (haha!) and he was lifting up his top to show me (there actually wasn't anything there but he was very slim) and he said he'd buy me a drink if I gave him a kiss (I wonder how many girls he used this line on!!) being one to do anything for a free drink I did kiss him but never got my drink. He went home and I went back to find my friends, his weirdo mate from earlier (Dave he is called, Col's best mate) found me and asked where Col was, when I told him he'd gone home he attatched himself to my group. We walked back to the taxi office, singing Babylon to Dave (as we thought he looked like David Grey). I got home and phoned Col...yes I was VERY keen! Anyway, Dave asnwered and I ended up talking nonsense to him and then Col came in ..god knows where he had got to I will ask him later. And we chatted for a while, he said he'd phone the next day and we'd go out. But I rang him first..this is often something Col winds me up about but I really liked him. I must've known we were meant to be though to put that much effort in because I hadn't done it with anyone else I'd met. We went out that night to the cinema and watched "28 days later" I was so shy and didn't know what to say to him. We met a couple of other times that week and on the thursday was when he asked if I wanted to start seeing him properly..that sounds so silly now when I think about it.

Anyway that was a bit rambly but it was a nice trip down memory lane. Here is a picture of us on that thursday night. Note the blonde hair, bad skin and very pale face, and Col's rather drunken face.

And here is Dave with us at Col's dad's wedding. I suppose I have him to thank.

Here is a more recent drunken picture of a rare night out on our own

This is us on our engagement in August 2003

And us on our wedding day in September 2009

Meltdown

In the past month I have "heard" of about 20 people being pregnant with their second babies...so its probably understandable why last night I completely broke down on my dad and Col. I told my dad exactly how I was feeling..which was weird because I didn't want to tell my parents or anyone "in real life" that we are trying again because I don't want them to know we're having some problems.

I feel like giving up...I really feel like its never going to happen and I can't keep doing it because its heartbreaking every day. I know I need to stop going on forums because this is what makes me worse but I have friends there and I wouldn't have anyone else to talk to. Still, I think its something I'm going to have to do soon because I am going to end up losing the plot otherwise.

Day 13, still no positive OPK.

I'm back

I haven't posted since my Dr's appointment, more so because I've been pretty busy. So I went to the Dr and she thought it best to have a scan which I had on thursday. Everything was fine at the scan except I have a 23mm cyst on my right ovary. She said this could be due to ovulation or its just a cyst and they don't do anything with them when they are that small. Luckily (?) its on the side where I have no tube anyway, so I'm hoping its not really going to affect us. But I'm having some pain on my right side which is going down into my thigh.

Anyway, so I originally said this month was just going to be me trying to sort out my cycle but I've decided to give the Deanna/SMEP a go. So fingers crossed it works. I thought I'd share this picture with you, if you too are a POAS addict it will probably give you a giggle.

This is my bathroom cupboard

You might spy some pink post it notes on a couple of them, thats because one of my lovely forum friends send me a little package yesterday with the CBD OPK's, a CB test, a huge bar of chocolate (in case of a BFN) and a party popper (incase of BFP). Isn't she lovely? x

Going to the Dr's

No doubt to be told I'm paranoid!!

My stupid body (again)

So my period started on monday, I had bad cramps...if I'm honest a lot of them were on my left (my good side) but I've had them on both sides. But it didn't get heavy, my usual AF is 3 days and the first day is always really heavy and it takes another 2 days to tail off and for it to completely go is usually about 4-5 days as I spot a little bit for the last 2 days. So monday there wasn't a lot but it was red, yesterday there was nothing except from when I wiped.

Sorry this is a TMI post.

So I posted on the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust (EPT) forum and some of the girls said I should go to the GP and request a blood test. I've tested again and its negative, the last time my period was like this was when I was pregnant but didn't know and that was my ectopic pregnancy. I just feel stupid going to the Dr and saying "I've had negative pregnancy tests but I think somethings wrong" I have a fear of the Dr because I think they will put everything down to weight, I'm not massively over weight but I know I could lose a stone or so...its never been mentioned by a Dr before but I have only been to the Dr recently for pregnancy issues so I figured they're not going to say anything then. I know there is a locum at our Dr's at the moment and they are usually a lot easier to deal with...

I don't know what to do, I want to phone my mum but I think she's fallen out with me because I haven't offered to look after my little brother this week (long story!) and as much as I appreciate my friends online advice I would rather speak to someone who knows me. Col hasn't got a clue when it comes to this stuff.

Its here

My period came this morning. Originally I felt happy and phoned Col to say we wouldn't be putting a lot of effort in this month as I want to try and get my cycle back to normal..somehow!

But now I feel very down :(

I hate my body

So my period was due monday, its not here yet and its friday. I have had so many symptoms of being pregnant, but I just tested and it was negative. I really thought I was pregnant, and I'm so annoyed with myself for getting excited. Why did my stupid body do this? It made me lose a baby and now I can't get pregnant, so many women around me are announcing their second pregnancies and everytime I see one I feel sick, I try to be happy and say congratulations but I'm only doing it in the hope God will see that I'm trying to be happy for other people.
I'm sick of people saying "Oh I'll start trying this month and we can have a baby next summer" Yes because thats how bloody easy it is!!!! I feel like this is never going to happen, why is it so easy for other people? Why do I only have 1 tube? Why did the stupid hospital leave me so long so that my tube ruptured? The consultant told me I'll have no problems getting pregnant...but thats not the case.

How am I ever supposed to get pregnant with no period and dodgy cycles?

My body is so cruel!

So my period was due yesterday, I had so signs, I've had none today either. So I decided to do a test...this was after saying I wouldn't test until thursday. It was negative, but still no period and it was an afternoon wee that wasn't very strong. So now I am battling between convincing myself I am not pregnant and my period will start soon, and thinking maybe it wasn't strong enough to get a positive.

I don't know but I do know that this is driving me mental, if its going to come just come now! Its day 32 and I have taken 6 pregnancy tests...I told you I was addicted to it.

In other news, we bought Alice a potty last night. She keeps stripping her trousers and nappy off in the afternoon so I thought it might be a good idea to get one so she can get used to seeing it and hopefully it will make potty training easier! Last night she screamed when she saw it, today is a lot better and will sit there on it.

Me

Hello!

So I thought it may be time to get a blog as all the ramblings in my head are getting too much!

If you don't know me, I'm Jennifer. I live in Manchester, UK with my husband and our beautiful daughter Alice who is almost 19 months old (where has the time gone!?). I am a stay at home mum with a dangerous addiction to make up, forums and peeing on sticks - more about that later!

This blog is mainly for me to write my feelings down as we are trying for a second baby now after a difficult time earlier this year. To fill you in...

We started trying for our second baby in January 2009. We knew that we wanted 2 children and we wanted them close together but we didn't want to start until Alice had turned 1.

Me and Colin have been together for almost 7 years, we met in 2002 when I was 16 and he was 21 (although my parents thought he was 19), we moved in together in 2005 and we got married in Florida in September 2008.

Alice was conceived after a very drunken conversation back in april 2007 in a kebab shop...she wasn't actually conceived there before you start thinking badly of me! On May 11th my period was 5 days late (5 days!! How I now long for that patience) so I reluctantly tested expecting it to be negative. Imagine my surprise when a dark blue line popped up on the test before I'd even flushed the chain. We were both over the moon and told everybody straight away, we had our first scan at 8 weeks when she was a 16mm flashing blob with a due date of 8th January 2008. My pregnancy was easy, we had weekly growth scans from 29 weeks as they suspected she wasn't growing properly and I had low amniotic fluid. Apart from that I loved being pregnant, I didn't have a huge bump, my tummy was covered in stretch marks but I just felt so special to be growing our little girl. On 27th December I went for a scan and was told I would have to come in the next day to be induced. After 2 days in hospital, a 10 hour active labour, over an hour pushing and an episiotomy Alice was here on 30th December 2007 at 00.45am. It really was the best day of my life, I think I speak for Col when I say it was his too. She weighed a very healthy 6lb15oz and was just over a week early, she was perfect she had huge blue eyes and lots of blonde hair. Every mother says it, but she really is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She brings so much joy to our lives and we'd have 10 of her! She has her moments like every toddler does but one look at her cheeky face makes me forget all about the naughty moments. So about 3 weeks after Alice was born, once I could sit down without being in pain, once I had gotten used to sleep deprivation I knew I wanted another one. However, when I was in hospital I had sworn I wasn't having anymore, when the midwife left me in my room she said "See you in a few years!" Hmm...I don't think so missus! My labour wasn't particularly hard - thanks Mr Anaesthetist for that lovely epidural, I just found the pushing hard work.

So the day before Alice's first birthday we are reminiscing about her birth, and her first few days and we both decide now is the time to start trying again. I had a textbook 28 day cycle and you could set your watch by my period so I knew we just had to go for it around day 14. It got to day 27 and I gave in and tested on one of those digital tests that tell you how far gone you are (that you may need a mortgage to buy) and it came up "Not Pregnant" I wasn't too disapointed, I went downstairs cracked open the wine and ordered a load of OPK's (ovulation tests) and some Pre-Seed (don't ask!), my period started the next day. Eight days later I decided to have a go of one of the OPK's, knowing it was still too early for ovulation, it came up with a positive line! So I warn Col its "Baby Making Time". The next day I started with bad pains on my right and light spotting, I just put it down to ovulation, this was a sunday. By the Tuesday it was like a light period, something made me do a pregnancy test. When it came up positive I felt sick, I knew something had to wrong because I'd had what I thought to be a period and now I had this bleeding and pain. So we went upto A&E, we were there for hours eventually after every man and his dog had a look at me I was booked in for a scan on the friday. By my dates I should've been almost 6 weeks for the scan. We got in the scan room, I knew the drill I'd had 12 scans with Alice. She spent a lot of time looking, so I knew something was wrong. She said she couldn't see anything it was probably too early. So we go to se the nurse, who tries to make out I'm stupid and that I must only just be pregnant..how many women get a positive pregnancy test 3 days after they had sex? I had to phone up the next say for my hormone level results. They had doubled in 48 hours which was apparently great news and I was only 2 weeks. I always knew that was wrong but who am I to argue with a professional?

The bleeding and pain lasted for nearly 3 weeks. I phoned the Early Pregnancy Unit on 20th Feb and told her I was still bleeding and was told to keep going until my scan on 6th March. The next night I collapsed at home in a lot of pain, I couldn't even walk from my bathroom to the bedroom I just had to lie down on the floor. I finally managed to get to the bedroom, where I couldn't get comfortable whether I lay down, sat stood. The only thing that helped a bit was kneeling. We thought it could be appendicitus so we called my mum down to stay with Alice and we went off to the hospital. This was a saturday at about 7pm and the place was empty. I was left for a long time i nthe waiting room screaming in pain waiting to be seen, by the time I was seen the pain had subsided and all I was left with was shooting pains in my right thigh. I ended up discharging myself from the hospital as they were truly useless and I had been left waiting an hour for some blood tests whilst Dr's and Nurses stood round talking about their holidays. I didn't sleep all night as I still had the thigh pain. The next morning it had gone. Even so I said I would phone the EPU the next day, so I phoned and told the nurse (the same one from my scan) about the saturday night and she said "What do you want me to do about it?" so I explained there must be a reason why I had been in so much pain and I wanted a scan. Reluctantly she told me to go in for a scan o nthe thursday morning. By Thursday morning I knew all was not okay with our baby, I expected to go and be told I'd miscarried. We got to the hospital, the same nurse took me in a side room and asked why I couldn't have just waited for my 6 week scan, again I explained I wanted to know what was wrong with my body. I wasn't there because I was some paranoid pregnant woman, something was wrong and it needed sorting out. So I go in the scan room, the lady doing my scan is the lady who did my 8 week scan with Alice. She couldn't see anything externally so I had to have an internal scan, when she asked me if it hurt when she pressed it against my right side I knew something was wrong. She said she didn't know if it was an ectopic or bowel. Everything happened very quickly from there, I left the room in a haze of tears and took into another room where a dr explained to me I would be going for emergency surgery and my situation was serious. I was taken down to theatre at 3pm, with a horrible feeling that I would wake up and not have my baby anymore. When I woke up I was in a lot of pain and was told they had to take my tube, they have tried to do keyhole surgery but my stomach was so full of blood from internal bleeding they couldn't get to it so I had to have a mini section basically. The recovery was really tough, I could barely walk or sit, the only way I was comfortable was lay down and propped up by lots of pillows. A few weeks after my surgery, my lovely consultant invited me to the hospital for a chat about what had happened. She told me my tube had ruptured, I was 9 weeks pregnant (maybe I should start arguing with the professionals or do their job for them!) and if I hadn't gone in that day I would've died. Being told you were so close to death is so scary, even more so because I would've left Alice at 14 months old with no mummy. It made me incredibly sad and is still something I struggle with now. After coming up from my surgery I had told, a very worried, Col that I didn't want more babies I couldn't put myself through what I had just been through again. I couldn't put him through it. As time moved on we said we would wait a few years. In may we decided to just go for it and try again.

Well we're at the end of our 3rd month of trying for baby 2 since my surgery and I have no idea if I am pregnant or not. Hopefully I should know my monday. Each month that goes by, gets harder because I fell so quickly when I had both tubes I know that the reason its not happening is because I now only have 1 tube.

I know we are so lucky to have 1 healthy child and we thank god for her every day, if it wasn't for her I think I would've been suicidal after my ectopic. She really helped me, because you can't help but smile when she is around. I just know my family is not complete without another child, and getting pregnant is the only thing that is going to help me recover from my ectopic pregnancy. We'll never forget the baby we lost, I just feel so sad that it happened to us.

So this blog, is all about our journey to hopefully another baby. With a few random things thrown in. I love make up and am massively obsessed with it so no doubt there will be a few posts about that too.

Oh and that picture at the top, in case you hadn't guessed, is me with my beautiful girl and wonderful husband. I promise I'm not always so fluffy and sickly I just feel a bit emotional today.