I'm scared..

My Lap & dye is in 11 days. Col won't be with me, nobody will as no visitors are allowed on the ward until 3pm.

I know its a standard procedure, I've just never been alone before an operation before. They tried sending Col home on the ward just before my surgery for the ectopic until a nurse from EPU interfered and told me to get my mum down aswell. But I know this isn't the same. Even then going into the theatres without someone was strange and I was so upset. I had a lot of operations as a child and my mum had been with me up until me going to sleep so I just assumed Col would come with me that day and that he'd be there when I woke up like my mum used to be. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I don't need somebody to hold my hand. Its unlikely I'll see Col until about 5.30 when he comes to pick me up.

I know its silly but what if him dropping me off is the last time I ever saw him? I know I'm not having anything serious done, I just worry about stupid things. When I got admitted for the ectopic surgery, I was so upset as I hadn't give Alice a kiss before I dropped her off with my parents before my scan and I was so scared I'd never see her again.

I hate all of this, if they tell me everything is fine I'm having no more tests I can't put myself through it anymore. It drains everything from me, its upsets me and Alice gets dumped on someone whilst I go. I'm there at least once a month, I'd hate for Alice to remember this when she gets older.

I've also decided to go to the Dr's. I'm not coping well, I know I'm not and I haven't been for a long time. I cry far too much over what happened, it should be behind me now. But because of what is now going on, its just at the forefront of my mind a lot. Just writing about my operation brought on the tears and brought it all back.

Waiting..

I've only got a few days left of waiting now, I'm still undecided although I am erring to the side of negativity and thinking its unlikely I am pregnant this month. I had a few good signs, my skin has been horrendous, during my first trimester with Alice I had really bad skin from very early on, and it was very oily. But I have the usual one sore boob which I get every month, although the other one is slightly tender. I'm very moody, this could just be PMS. It really is impossible to tell which is why I don't like to spend two weeks guessing, I leave it all to the last week.

If I'm not pregnant this month I'm having a month without alcohol. I think I drink too much of it..not in an alcoholic way but I can't imagine its helping. Although I did do it back in January, it didn't help but I wasn't on Metformin then. U

My diet starts again today, I can tell I've put weight on and obviously I don't want to put it on. I'm going to do some reading into the GI diet today. Obviously not drinking will help with the weight loss, I'm sure Col will be happy to stop drinking too. I just have to stick to it because by a friday tea time I'm that stressed with the week I've had I just want a glass of wine. Well I know one glass is fine but it never is.

Just a quick edit - this afternoon I've had some cramps at the sides and in my back so I think I'm definitely out this month.

Hopefully I'll get my appointment through soon for my Lap & Dye, the cons did say end of August or the beginning of September. I don't really know what to do, should I chase it up with her secretary if I haven't received anything soon? I also need to discuss the amount of Metformin I'm on. It makes me shakey even when I've eaten, I'm on 2x500mg tablets a day. I had my dad test my blood sugar levels last week and it was 5.4 which is pretty low. He has Type 2 Diabetes and is only on one Metformin a day, so if his levels are high and he's only one one, why am I on two when my levels are normal?

One week wait..

I'm one week away now from finding out if my first month on Metformin has had any affect. I'm not getting my hopes up at all but for next months reference here's how I feel..

Exhausted!
Drained
My skin is really oily and spotty, it hasn't been this bad for a long time.
I had some niggly pains on my right side 2 days ago (on 5 DPO)

And this is nothing to do with the 1WW but I have no motivation whatsoever! I can't be bothered to do anything. However I am trying to force myself to start doing exercise again and eatig a bit healthier to try and lose some more weight.

Metformin..

Well I started my Metformin on tuesday, its giving me really bad stomach cramps as I was warned it was but it should settle down. I'm not sure if it will make a difference this month as I only started taking it on day 8, and my Clearblue desktop thing seems to think I'll be ovulating on day 14-15. We'll see.

Last night I had another one of those dreams where I'm just suddenly in hospital about to have a baby. Again it was a boy (I haven't had a dream about having a girl since I was pregnant with Alice) and he had red hair and we said we should call him Harry! But it was just so real, we had skin to skin and I sort of could feel it and could see the baby's face and everything. I feel a bit sad this morning x

Update..

I figured now is a good time to update people seeing as I don't go on any forums anymore so can't update people that way. This way I'm only telling the people who actually care enough to check my blog.

So we've had so many tests now, 2 different lots of blood tests, Col's SA, my HSG and an ovary scan. The consulant we saw yesterday said my scan did show some sign of cysts on my ovaries so she would prescribe me Metformin, but she didn't have all my blood test results as there's been a lot of confusion at the hospital with my married name and maiden name. And if necessary they will give me Clomid too. She's called me today and said my blood results showed I had a strong ovulation last month (which is strange as she wanted me to have the test on day 21, 7 days after when Ovulation should have happened but I didn't ovulate until day 17) so she suspects that I'm either only just starting to ovulate after the ectopic or the tube isn't sucking the egg up as it should do. So I'm starting Metformin and then I'm going in for a Lap & Dye, which I thought would be fine but now I've just realised I'll be having General Anaesthetic and I'm a bit scared.

I do't know if I'm glad I don't need Clomid, because now I'm worried there is something wrong with the remaining tube even though the HSG showed it as clear.

Its never going to happen...

You know when you just have this feeling? I have it in my gut, I know I am never going to get pregnant again. And I wish I could just give up and stop trying and stop putting myself through this month after month, I've had 10 months of disapointment and I don't think I can take anymore.

I don't want to do it anymore, yesterday I felt like deleting every pregnant person, or someone who is likely to get pregnant from my Facebook friends. I didn't, I hid a few people so I don't see their status' because it upsets me. Not because I'm a bitch, or that I don't like you. Its for my own sanity. Everytime I see one of those status' I cry, I feel down all day. Its just happened now, Alice was eating her lunch and I was just having a look on FB before I got ready to do some exercise whilst she napped and then another pregnancy announcement made me cry and now I just want to sit here and be sad and feel sorry for myself.

I actually deactivated my FB account 2 weeks ago because I'd had enough, but I remembered that all my family like to keep up with what Alice is doing through it as they don't get to see her very often. The best thing for me to do is just have family and my real life friends on there but I don't want to do that as I like seeing everybody's pictures and updates. But really, Facebook is the worse thing for me.

You can probably tell how fed up and down I am feeling from this post, I can't even put in words how I'm feeling. You know when you have been pregnant and its been successful and then you move onto the year after your pregnancy and you feel nostalgic because "Ooh this time last year I was so many weeks pregnant" well thats how I feel now, except its not nostalgia, its a sick feeling that its nearly a year and nothing has changed.

Another month over..

This month was not our month. I don't really know what more I can do. I think I might give some vitamins a go. A lot of people have been reccomending Mumomega but its £10 for a month's supply, but its supposed to work. Is anything going to work for me though? I'm trying to stay positive and think well its another month to lose some weight but its still hard.

Resisting testing...

Is so so hard!!

Period should be due tommorow has it will have been 14 days since the positive OPK, if not tommorow then monday. I was so tempted to do a test this morning but didn't, I would rather give my period chance to arrive first as I've said lots of times seeing my period is less heartbreaking than seeing a negative test. It also saves money.

Symptoms (I know, i know)

weeing lots!
Oily skin and hair
Freezing one minute, burning up the next
cramps
lower back ache
tiredness
Really really weird dreams! Last night I dreamt we had nowhere for alice to sleep in her cot so we had to put it outside in the neighbours garden! Then we lived near mountains which were on fire, all the pavements and roads were on fire so we had to walk in a field but we had to walk on all these giant leeks (yes the vegetable) which were lay on the ground and they went on forever!! When we got home someone had stolen my memory card out of the camera, it turned out to be my auntie who had turned evil so I tried to kill her by hitting her on the head with the camera!???!

I am mainly writing my symptoms down so that if this isn't our month then I can refer back to it next month xx

1 year ago today..

I found out I was pregnant.

I don't feel really upset, I feel pretty sad but I don't feel as if I could cry (not like I did this morning when Col told me Katie had married Alex and I felt sorry for Pete!!????) I think the 26th will be harder, I just hope there is something to help me get through it xx

1 Week Wait

So my period is due this sunday. I keep getting butterflies when I think about it which I have never had, I think I have just put a lot of focus into this month and I think that if I'm not pregnant I have given up hope of it happening naturally.

My skin is pretty oily at the moment and my hair isn't staying clean for very long. This morning I woke up with some cramping too.

Day 20: Cramps

So I'm about 4DPO and today I have orrible cramps :( I feel like I'm about to come on my period.

Apart from that I'm fine! I have been feeling a bit down today as I really feel like I want to go back to work now. I love Alice and I've been so lucky to have so much time with her, but she's getting to the stage now where I think she needs to be with other children and there's not enough groups round here for me to keep her occupied. I'm also sick of us not having any money to do anything. So I'm on the job hunt again x

Day 18..

I had a positive ovulation test on sunday which was day 16! I was very excited, I haven't done OPKs for a few months now.

I'm kind of seeing this as our last chance to get pregnant on our own without any help so we both really want to put a lot of effort into it. I mean like legs in the air afterwards kind of business! haha On sunday I did legs up for about 20 minutes, then I just lay still for an hour before I got up. Last night I lay with a pillow under my bum for an hour and then just lay down for another hour before getting up. I also wonder if it would help to lie on my left side so they go to the left? Do you see how much thought I am putting into this? I also don't know when to stop the baby making if the positive OPK was on sunday, possibly when Colin gets annoyed with me! Once again, I had something else to say but have forgotten!!

x

Thinking...

I'm thinking about these tests a lot now. Col's is 16th Feb, I don't have my appointment through yet.

The dr said it is very unlikely to be Colin because I have been pregnant twice and it has happened quickly but they want to test him anyway to rule it out. So its very likely its to do with the ectopic, I think I am very scared they are going to tell us there is nothing wrong. Because then there's nothing to fix? I have heard they give you clomid if they can't find anything, that scares me. I know there is a risk of twins with that and whilst that would be lovely, we do not have the space for 3 children and don't have the money to extend or move. There was another point I wanted to make to this post but I've forgotten so I will come back when I remember!

Update.

So I figured now is probably the best time to start blogging on here again.

So we're now on day 7 of month 9. Last weekend was probably my lowest point of this whole experience, I had so many pregnancy symptoms my period was taking its time to show and I really did get my hopes up. I decided I needed to leave any forums I was on that had mums and babies on as so many people are pregnant at the moment and its heartbreaking for me to read all those posts. All I could focus on was babies, not being pregnant, and just how sad I was feeling. I now feel a lot better after almost a week away, I have started to focus on losing weight. I weighed myself for the first time in a very long time on monday and found that I need to lose 3 stone!! I'm so annoyed with myself that I have let it get this far. So I want to lose 3 stone or 2 dress sizes, whichever comes first.

Today I went to the Dr to ask to be reffered for a HSG to check the state of my remaining tube which the Dr was more than happy to do. She was so lovely and a lot more helpful than the male Dr I saw in October, she said as I had the ectopic she would start the investigations early rather than waiting until may when it will have been a year we've been trying since the ectopic. Colin also has to go in on monday to provide a sample, I feel a bit sorry for him but he doesn't seem bothered. I know I am going to have to be prodded and poked in some not very nice places but I have given birth and had a few internal check ups so its not new to me. I feel a lot happier now I know we're on the road to finding out if something can be done or not. If not, yes I will be disapointed but it won't be the end of the world because we already have Alice who is so amazing and makes us both so happy and she really is a blessing. I'm thinking of making my blog public again also but I might wait a bit longer.

x